1.1 Holding out for head over heels.

“You only fall in love once the way we did. It doesn’t happen again. Now we just have to find someone, be with them and get used to them.”

This statement from my first ex-boyfriend has plagued me for years and if he’s reading this now or reading it some time later he’ll most likely say that’s not what he said and I heard it all wrong. Not speaking from experience or anything. And this wasn’t a post breakup emotional let’s say things to hurt each other discussion. This was we’ve-dated-other-people-moved-states-my-cat-died-sorry-to-hear-that four years later catch-up.

So let me get this straight: you only ‘fall in love’ once or maybe never then it’s stop looking for Mr Perfect and find Mr Oh-He-Should-Do – Sorry what?

I did believe him for a few years or so. Because the thing is, I hadn’t felt the same way or the same intoxication for someone again either. Was this really it for life, only having one chance at love? Sounds like some terrible Tom Cruise lamb roast 80’s movie to me. So I stopped believing it that very second. I got my love pom poms out and went back to thinking ridiculous crushes, tweeting birds and all that fairytale godmother business from Cinderella. By ugly step-sister or high towers I was going to hold out for my Prince Charming.

Is it a grown up conclusion that it’s simply ‘too hard’ to find someone to fall head-over-Prada-heels for? Easier to find one that will look good on those protein built arm for functions or one that earns enough to put the kids through private school. How many out there are finding a ‘match for beauty and money’ rather than looking to fall in love? I bet my bottom-shitty-school-dollar a whole damn lot. My love pom poms look sad.

Is first love all it’s cracked up to be? For me, yes. We were at uni, we were inseparable, we did everything together, maybe a little too much of everything. But who cares when you’re that in love. I didn’t really know who I was without him around. Do you want chips with that? I don’t know… does he want chips with that? I was unaware I was becoming less Lorenza every day and so rose-tinted-glasses-happy, I didn’t care. Hard to believe isn’t it? A-loved-up-Lorenza when all you hear these days are tears over men I drunkenly removed on FB because they didn’t text back after three days.

Anyway I did fall hopelessly in love again, maybe a little too hopelessly. I wanted to call up my first love and scream down the telephone “It happened, it happened again, you were wrong!” and do a happy, little, phone dance. But I wasn’t sure A) he wanted to hear it or B) he needed to hear it. So I went with C) and just shouted from the rooftops of Outlook to every contact I had. Alas sadly this story had a heart-wrenching ending too.

But still, I’ll hold hard and fast to this rule. I will always prefer to fall in love and fall hard. To maybe end up so broken hearted there’s not enough Baskin Robbins and vanilla vodka to fill the emptiness inside of me. I’d do that any day than go through life wearing a love-safety-harness and grow old with that someone special I’ve grown ‘used to’.

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0.7 But doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Yeah and… ?

Kelly grabbed his friend and shouted over the deafening Rhianna: “Does he have a girlfriend? My friend’s been stuffed around enough!” The friend stammered, “Yeah… Yeah he does.” As he bolted from the Covent Garden stables.

Kelly dragged me away from the guy who’d been lavishing his-undivided-pimms-attention on me all night and explained: he’s got a girlfriend. Hrumpf, says me. Alas, numbers had been exchanged and the guy continued to chase via SMS, the following morning conversation went something like:

Him: ”Want to catch up for a drink?”
Me: “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”
Him: ”Yeah… so. You want to catch up for a drink?”.

No response from me, yet this went on for six-ish weeks. He really loved that brick wall of no communication. I aptly named him “Crazy Nutcase with GF” on my phone and screen-grabbed his hilarity for Facebook friends to see. I’d never had a guy be so blatantly cool about sporting a girlfriend and wanting to date. And this was England! Preposterous!

Not saying this is a problem reserved for Englishmen – I’ve had similar experiences here but thank goodness for Facebook and the smallness of Melbourne I’ve managed to suss out a few before being sucked in. Tip for you all: Find the guy on Facebook and look up his siblings. Chances are his brother or sister is a bit more lax with their privacy settings (70’s children are so cute) – you’ll find a family event / gathering type photo and see if your future beau has an arm around his other half. This works 90% of the time. (I’ve never met an only child cheater – they already have everything they want, right?) Though this tip won’t work if their brother has a stupid name on Facebook like ‘Beardo McBeardy Manfacehead’. True story.

I suppose I can’t get on my high horse – when I was younger I hung out with guys I liked who had girlfriends, in the hope they’d find me so charming they’d promptly dump their girlfriends and be with me. Surprise, surprise, it never happened. I wouldn’t partake in such aimless activities now. Ahh maturity, it’s wonderful thing.

So, why do guys do this? To show they’ve still ‘got it’. To prove they can bag any chick, never mind the gorgeous one they’ve got at home. They’re merely making a point – with a nice little boost for a Friday night. Or is it because they’re still on the look out… for something better? I asked this question at work (in London) and was met with a landslide of ‘What’s wrong with the guy doing that!?’ I ate my humble pie, shut up and Powerpointed the rest of the day away. Thank you to the attached guys in the office who emailed me post-discussion to wholeheartedly agree it’s a disgusting thing for a man to do and was I free for a drink later? Kidding. I’m really giving English guys a bad rap here aren’t I? (They really did email to show their support).

So what if you are the better thing that came along? I’d prefer he quietly dump his girlfriend and chase after me. But then honestly, if I knew he was dumping his girlfriend for me, how long till he dumps fabulous me for the Lorenza 2.0 upgrade? I know I’m sounding very contradictory here. Dump your girlfriend for me. No, don’t dump your girlfriend for me. Gosh, just be single if you want to date me damn-it! It’s not that hard.

I wish all the singles out there the best of luck in finding a-non-lying, non-attached-gem. Dating is a tough, tough world and it helps when you’ve got a girlfriend who will make sure that flirty, hot guy is single, no matter how loud she has to shout over Rhianna.

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