1.1 Holding out for head over heels.

“You only fall in love once the way we did. It doesn’t happen again. Now we just have to find someone, be with them and get used to them.”

This statement from my first ex-boyfriend has plagued me for years and if he’s reading this now or reading it some time later he’ll most likely say that’s not what he said and I heard it all wrong. Not speaking from experience or anything. And this wasn’t a post breakup emotional let’s say things to hurt each other discussion. This was we’ve-dated-other-people-moved-states-my-cat-died-sorry-to-hear-that four years later catch-up.

So let me get this straight: you only ‘fall in love’ once or maybe never then it’s stop looking for Mr Perfect and find Mr Oh-He-Should-Do – Sorry what?

I did believe him for a few years or so. Because the thing is, I hadn’t felt the same way or the same intoxication for someone again either. Was this really it for life, only having one chance at love? Sounds like some terrible Tom Cruise lamb roast 80’s movie to me. So I stopped believing it that very second. I got my love pom poms out and went back to thinking ridiculous crushes, tweeting birds and all that fairytale godmother business from Cinderella. By ugly step-sister or high towers I was going to hold out for my Prince Charming.

Is it a grown up conclusion that it’s simply ‘too hard’ to find someone to fall head-over-Prada-heels for? Easier to find one that will look good on those protein built arm for functions or one that earns enough to put the kids through private school. How many out there are finding a ‘match for beauty and money’ rather than looking to fall in love? I bet my bottom-shitty-school-dollar a whole damn lot. My love pom poms look sad.

Is first love all it’s cracked up to be? For me, yes. We were at uni, we were inseparable, we did everything together, maybe a little too much of everything. But who cares when you’re that in love. I didn’t really know who I was without him around. Do you want chips with that? I don’t know… does he want chips with that? I was unaware I was becoming less Lorenza every day and so rose-tinted-glasses-happy, I didn’t care. Hard to believe isn’t it? A-loved-up-Lorenza when all you hear these days are tears over men I drunkenly removed on FB because they didn’t text back after three days.

Anyway I did fall hopelessly in love again, maybe a little too hopelessly. I wanted to call up my first love and scream down the telephone “It happened, it happened again, you were wrong!” and do a happy, little, phone dance. But I wasn’t sure A) he wanted to hear it or B) he needed to hear it. So I went with C) and just shouted from the rooftops of Outlook to every contact I had. Alas sadly this story had a heart-wrenching ending too.

But still, I’ll hold hard and fast to this rule. I will always prefer to fall in love and fall hard. To maybe end up so broken hearted there’s not enough Baskin Robbins and vanilla vodka to fill the emptiness inside of me. I’d do that any day than go through life wearing a love-safety-harness and grow old with that someone special I’ve grown ‘used to’.